Bearing My Soul...?

I used to call it poetry, but now... It doesn't seem to fit cos its just my life all spewed out in the only way I know how to do it. Its open for anyone to read and stuff... But I guess I should thank Jesse. He and I have been exchanging "Words" since Christmas and he's always understood (and returned) them like no one else ever could or wanted to... so much thanks and credit to Jesse, whose words have come a long way as well.

*anticipate* 9.7.01
will you be on later
will you still be here
stuck to my insides
i'm diluting my heart
the saline tears
hit the break,
hit the brake
turn and follow
like the stream of good fortune
where are we going to be then
when the rotted wood breaks
and the words run dry
will my shores turn to dust
and my tomorrows turn to yesterday
rusting and changing
morphing into a life
that i don't recognize.
please don't forget me
anymore.

*wind* 9.7.01
and the missing pieces
fall slowly together
and i slowly feel myself die
branches clouding my sight
and this is shit anyway.
why even read my dying breaths
why even bother
just move along.
falling and shuddering
i've curled into an autumn leaf... leave
leave me here
in the gutter of worn away
the corner of rain
sing to me
and i might not lie.

*pencil* 7.17.01
biting down on my wagging tongue
plush and satisfied
interior line
hold on tight
i'll shut your eyes
metallic scissiorfold
i'm floating for you
and the blood on my head
is not something
i want to hide
but what's keeping you tonight?
what's sending you whirling
into the raygun light...
pass that smile to me...
i wanted you to
talk to me
to warn me not to be
so stuck inside of me
i think i'm stuck inside of me
and i just wanted to
touch your face
and remember the sharpened points
of the pain
in your eyes

*youislove* 7.9.01
every day i'm there...
seeing your skies
and flying
to touch your sunshine...
careening down
through your soft earth
and i revel
in all i've come to know.
but when i find the rock...
that hard stone
deep in your core
i know i've found my fears...
the ball of torture
i've yet to face...
that stellar massacre
i know i'll see...
all too soon...
if i could be yours forever...
if i could lie
on your sweet summer shores
for years...
i'd love you till i stopped breathing...
i should have turned away...
i should have stayed back
from your mysterious,
unexplored scape...
but now i'm at home...
i want to set up
and live to die here....
i want wander
the clay flats of your love
forever...
so much to see...
i can hardly breathe...
what i wouldn't give
to leave my camoflage behind...
what i wouldn't give
to meet your eyes...
i want to turn my back
on your skies...

*tropic* 7.5.01
beaten furiously
into lush
pulp of love
at the bottom of the glass
lies the residue of wanting
the hours stuck to the sides
adhered by raw despair
i need you
i am nothing like
the capacity you fill
and have you given your all
have you found what made
that final fall
am i a someone to you
or am i someone worth loving??

*mean* at my wall 7.2.01
i'm not thinking this time
my pen running wild
sometimes i sink
green and out done
i look like that stone
crying over ladybugs
i sing stupid songs
disagreeng and undoing
and hoping for fuel
fire
dropping the lighter
4,961 tears
and golden laughs to hide them
and who's acting anyway
strawberry licking
animal teeth
drunken laughter
i'm nobodys hero
i'm everyones death
muscles rippling
diamond sad fuck
can't read my sanskrit
what do i mean to me???

*orchestra* 6.29.01
i could feel it under my feet
sucking out my breath
losing feeling in my toes
the salt sticks softly to me
adam's voice is ripping me up
the blue child is ravaging my mind
with new thoughts
new fears
new hopes to stop
the anti-freeze tears...
tangerine vans
in the sal val store
i used to feel free
not anymore
i love
i love
i love the water
piano streaks of light
violin breathing
who asked you anyway
who asked you to invade my heart
with a strain like adam's voice
and a love like sunday freight
i wish i were a september star
a sweet dot in the sky,
no bigger than your love for me...
and one might look
just one
but they'd know who i was
for who i was
an open soul
september star...
come on out... wherever you are...

*cat* 6.29.01
"no matter," he whispered
as the world spun away
he had given it his best
love's game
he never knew how to play
and he accredits her
but it doesn't matter now
the stutter is deep within him
the shaken breath of defeat
so deep inside
so pressed away... retreat...
there're blue eyed awakenings
and unforgettable wounds...
someone so hard
is cotton inside
he turns those eyes to me
answermeanswerme
he saw a light there
some irrevocable spark...
and he was hoping
that maybe things had changed
maybe things were different.
but things are never different...
surviving never changes...
i need you like heroin.

*japanese* 6.29.01
today i saw the bare boned truth
today i saw the buildings crash
to a silty ground
with bursts of fog and light...
and the beetles flew away
golden wings prickling the sky
i don't like breakfast
i look to so much more
i breathe destruction
mutter blue songs
and spit out the blood.
my narcotic days
have since blurred together
a fracture below the femur
motor crash sparks
and you pull up
i pull you close to me
why don't i want to let go...
kill the beast
and water the garden...
you were supposed to hold me fast...

*steps* 6.27.01
loves dark hallways
bumping into furniture
swallowed up in the night
like me to you
i wish i weren't invisible
i wish i had a heart
a new start
i'm fading away
i'm losing
so many nights
in my microcosm
of dreams and doomed
wantings...
i begin to lose ground
my world falls through...
i am blue
to gray
to gone... too gone
two.
gone.
and...
when that sad song plays
i seem to know
how to dance
with silent feet
and knowing sobs...

*decay* 6.20.01
touching the window
in the fog i live inside
i press my empty hand
to a pane
colder than my heart...
and when i pull away
i see i have left
but nothing...
no print on the glass
no mark on the world...
when i'm gone...
no one will see
the markings of where i've been
the impressions i've never left...
i can't take these window days...
but strangely...
i can take the years...

*showmewordsI* 6.20.01
tension like falling
an admirable glimmer
i'm not sin or fire
i'm just around
like the second hand of summer
here to take the weight
to hold the plague
i'm the place to lay down your tears...
tell me tell me
who you think you are
so many things for the running
so many things to pull away from
unsticking myself from the vynil curtain
running far from knowing what's right...
afraid to love and sheepish for the feeling
never quite engulfing the star
i can hold on so long...
before my hands start to shake
i give way to the depths
i resign to my freeze...
i wish i remembered.
me.
so much i wanted
wanted to know
like the feeling of needed
the warmth of love
i don't know
don't know where i am
where i stand beside
the shell i abandon
i crawl towards an ecstasy
a false feeling of joy
instead i find myself
and i remember all the things you said
i am worthless...
i am dead.
most of the time..
fuckupfuckup
meant to be this way
one step from immaculate
one notch from glory
i hang on that lower rung
the one where the children
have never left the child
have never felt the sun
i am no one...

*hanging* 6.18.01
the hollow inside
brings darkness
into a new light...
lifted and obsolete
will you whirl and waste away
without me to tell you you're ok?
i wanted to make it easy
to make it so simple
to feel to know to love
and yet i reached out
seconds too late
over that weight...
and now... i'm lined with satin
and a wincing fear
i can't delete...

*round* 6.17.01
drama
stop your crying
no one pays attention
when you use hurt that way
its me who keeps it all inside
i don't need you
to pacify
to hear me cry
i'll be fine
because i don't want
you to appease me.
but what is the point?
what is the answer
to not being able
to suffocate
my hurt
unsuccesful
i slither
i'm so useless
now
fooling around
you should feel jealous
but i can't tell
you how to feel
i turn my eyes
i'm ready to try...
i want to feel wanted
i don't want to run
but i must...
to see...

*itall* 6.15.01
messy hair
i need to sleep
i need to forget
and stop feeling stupid
like i really could have done better
like there was any way to stop it all
to clean it up
stop the fall
hands to my eyes
blocking out
rays of a sun
that i kissed days ago
and now i avoid...
deny and despise
i wish i were you
unable
isolated
i wish i were you
sublime in my fear
transcending all hope
for a life of cardboard and nails...
i was the vessel
i was the world
i used to believe
you'd be there.
now... on with my show
my show
my play...

*beachfront* 6.11.01
God and words,
saltines and bone fragments...
bruised and stripped naked
by the beechcomber love...
who has left me this time,
who has broken
the splintered casket
that i've superglued too many times...
bury the sun bury the ghost
i am not who you think i am...
i open my eyes to recieve anything
and open my mouth to pull you in. . .
and the water is up to my waist now...
i'm waste now. . .
i'm gone...
you have yet to find the way to put me back,
and i have yet to make you want to.

*undisclosed* 6.11.01
a little slip
something not meant to be said
we can't plan what comes flowing out
like rain...
like beath...
and like love...
feeling
skin so soft
on the outside
daggers within...
and i open my soul
fill me with your heart
and you pull back
ashamed
awakened
shocked by your illusion
never believing
that your moment of weakness
could have been
the best of your life...
love, make yourself easy to fall
succumb to the boundlessness
that nothing can hide...
bedsheets
biology
magnified light...
nothing ever felt right...
til i felt you breaking
left trembling with hope
only to find
i'm the fool again...

*accident* 6.11.01
its never meant to happen this way
playing with fire
and killing our chances
where have we been so long?
why have we not learned
i guess i'll never...
praying and shattering:
ways to stay safe.
it was never meant to fall this way
never meant to hurt you
with all the love inside
never meant to scare you away
to fill you with a fear
to make you hate me
of the intense
of the truth...
too late to stop
too hard to fall
if it could be avoided...
it would have been outrun...
it was never meant to be this way.
its too late to take it back
to late to pretend i don't care...

*Grip* 6.10.01
the rising and falling,
purple and threatening...
unpredictable
like the eyes.
nothing is ready now,
there is no way to escape
the things hidden away...
stored for a rainy day,
that never came for one...
and settled deep in the other...
a storm to keep him hurting,
a bolt of lightning
through the darkened split. . .
just sip it through your nose,
balance your senses
and reposition
for the next way of failing.
Its so blatant now,
no more
of the lick-to-lie manhunt. . .
theres nothing left to find. . .
but a rainstorm that passed over one. . .
and lies deep in those forgotten eyes...

*.jpg* 5.23.01
can you sleep at night?
does thes break you apart?
floating up from place to place
shining like something
that no one should have seen...
shallow lick
shimmer step
she ties you down
no (e)motion required
no rebellion in your soul
no fight.
wishing she'd take flight
screaming loud
she took you down
to the fire place
and whispered "please,
be my friend."
used up
slurped
eyes on a swim
underwater
and flying.
the want.
the blessing.
the ache
the cavity
the girl...

*dyingbeast* 5.19.01
a new brawl
like a cloak
its fear
i don't want to lose this
i think i could be real
gray area
gray sky
who wants me now?
who wants to hold me?
how can i trust this sky...
dare i not
fear
its you i thive on
you have yet to make me weak
i'm not alive yet
not ready for your love
even from far away
i'm weak
but inside
i'm still hard...


				*LOosE EnDs . . .* *Bearing My Soul...?*



	Home Me and Mine \| NeW and uSed picS \| If you don't have ID... you can't get in \| Out of our Mouths \| A Page Dedicated to the Cool \| How To Booty Bounce! \| Art Art Art \| Bearing My Soul...? \| Moving On to Dumber \| Contact and the End


		Ok so I've been writing "Words" for a long time...



		I used to call it poetry, but now... It doesn't seem to fit cos its just my life all spewed out in the only way I know how to do it. Its open for anyone to read and stuff... But I guess I should thank Jesse. He and I have been exchanging "Words" since Christmas and he's always understood (and returned) them like no one else ever could or wanted to... so much thanks and credit to Jesse, whose words have come a long way as well. anticipate 9.7.01 will you be on later will you still be here stuck to my insides i'm diluting my heart the saline tears hit the break, hit the brake turn and follow like the stream of good fortune where are we going to be then when the rotted wood breaks and the words run dry will my shores turn to dust and my tomorrows turn to yesterday rusting and changing morphing into a life that i don't recognize. please don't forget me anymore. wind 9.7.01 and the missing pieces fall slowly together and i slowly feel myself die branches clouding my sight and this is shit anyway. why even read my dying breaths why even bother just move along. falling and shuddering i've curled into an autumn leaf... leave leave me here in the gutter of worn away the corner of rain sing to me and i might not lie. pencil 7.17.01 biting down on my wagging tongue plush and satisfied interior line hold on tight i'll shut your eyes metallic scissiorfold i'm floating for you and the blood on my head is not something i want to hide but what's keeping you tonight? what's sending you whirling into the raygun light... pass that smile to me... i wanted you to talk to me to warn me not to be so stuck inside of me i think i'm stuck inside of me and i just wanted to touch your face and remember the sharpened points of the pain in your eyes youislove 7.9.01 every day i'm there... seeing your skies and flying to touch your sunshine... careening down through your soft earth and i revel in all i've come to know. but when i find the rock... that hard stone deep in your core i know i've found my fears... the ball of torture i've yet to face... that stellar massacre i know i'll see... all too soon... if i could be yours forever... if i could lie on your sweet summer shores for years... i'd love you till i stopped breathing... i should have turned away... i should have stayed back from your mysterious, unexplored scape... but now i'm at home... i want to set up and live to die here.... i want wander the clay flats of your love forever... so much to see... i can hardly breathe... what i wouldn't give to leave my camoflage behind... what i wouldn't give to meet your eyes... i want to turn my back on your skies... tropic 7.5.01 beaten furiously into lush pulp of love at the bottom of the glass lies the residue of wanting the hours stuck to the sides adhered by raw despair i need you i am nothing like the capacity you fill and have you given your all have you found what made that final fall am i a someone to you or am i someone worth loving?? mean at my wall 7.2.01 i'm not thinking this time my pen running wild sometimes i sink green and out done i look like that stone crying over ladybugs i sing stupid songs disagreeng and undoing and hoping for fuel fire dropping the lighter 4,961 tears and golden laughs to hide them and who's acting anyway strawberry licking animal teeth drunken laughter i'm nobodys hero i'm everyones death muscles rippling diamond sad fuck can't read my sanskrit what do i mean to me??? orchestra 6.29.01 i could feel it under my feet sucking out my breath losing feeling in my toes the salt sticks softly to me adam's voice is ripping me up the blue child is ravaging my mind with new thoughts new fears new hopes to stop the anti-freeze tears... tangerine vans in the sal val store i used to feel free not anymore i love i love i love the water piano streaks of light violin breathing who asked you anyway who asked you to invade my heart with a strain like adam's voice and a love like sunday freight i wish i were a september star a sweet dot in the sky, no bigger than your love for me... and one might look just one but they'd know who i was for who i was an open soul september star... come on out... wherever you are... cat 6.29.01 "no matter," he whispered as the world spun away he had given it his best love's game he never knew how to play and he accredits her but it doesn't matter now the stutter is deep within him the shaken breath of defeat so deep inside so pressed away... retreat... there're blue eyed awakenings and unforgettable wounds... someone so hard is cotton inside he turns those eyes to me answermeanswerme he saw a light there some irrevocable spark... and he was hoping that maybe things had changed maybe things were different. but things are never different... surviving never changes... i need you like heroin. japanese 6.29.01 today i saw the bare boned truth today i saw the buildings crash to a silty ground with bursts of fog and light... and the beetles flew away golden wings prickling the sky i don't like breakfast i look to so much more i breathe destruction mutter blue songs and spit out the blood. my narcotic days have since blurred together a fracture below the femur motor crash sparks and you pull up i pull you close to me why don't i want to let go... kill the beast and water the garden... you were supposed to hold me fast... steps 6.27.01 loves dark hallways bumping into furniture swallowed up in the night like me to you i wish i weren't invisible i wish i had a heart a new start i'm fading away i'm losing so many nights in my microcosm of dreams and doomed wantings... i begin to lose ground my world falls through... i am blue to gray to gone... too gone two. gone. and... when that sad song plays i seem to know how to dance with silent feet and knowing sobs... decay 6.20.01 touching the window in the fog i live inside i press my empty hand to a pane colder than my heart... and when i pull away i see i have left but nothing... no print on the glass no mark on the world... when i'm gone... no one will see the markings of where i've been the impressions i've never left... i can't take these window days... but strangely... i can take the years... showmewordsI 6.20.01 tension like falling an admirable glimmer i'm not sin or fire i'm just around like the second hand of summer here to take the weight to hold the plague i'm the place to lay down your tears... tell me tell me who you think you are so many things for the running so many things to pull away from unsticking myself from the vynil curtain running far from knowing what's right... afraid to love and sheepish for the feeling never quite engulfing the star i can hold on so long... before my hands start to shake i give way to the depths i resign to my freeze... i wish i remembered. me. so much i wanted wanted to know like the feeling of needed the warmth of love i don't know don't know where i am where i stand beside the shell i abandon i crawl towards an ecstasy a false feeling of joy instead i find myself and i remember all the things you said i am worthless... i am dead. most of the time.. fuckupfuckup meant to be this way one step from immaculate one notch from glory i hang on that lower rung the one where the children have never left the child have never felt the sun i am no one... hanging 6.18.01 the hollow inside brings darkness into a new light... lifted and obsolete will you whirl and waste away without me to tell you you're ok? i wanted to make it easy to make it so simple to feel to know to love and yet i reached out seconds too late over that weight... and now... i'm lined with satin and a wincing fear i can't delete... round 6.17.01 drama stop your crying no one pays attention when you use hurt that way its me who keeps it all inside i don't need you to pacify to hear me cry i'll be fine because i don't want you to appease me. but what is the point? what is the answer to not being able to suffocate my hurt unsuccesful i slither i'm so useless now fooling around you should feel jealous but i can't tell you how to feel i turn my eyes i'm ready to try... i want to feel wanted i don't want to run but i must... to see... itall 6.15.01 messy hair i need to sleep i need to forget and stop feeling stupid like i really could have done better like there was any way to stop it all to clean it up stop the fall hands to my eyes blocking out rays of a sun that i kissed days ago and now i avoid... deny and despise i wish i were you unable isolated i wish i were you sublime in my fear transcending all hope for a life of cardboard and nails... i was the vessel i was the world i used to believe you'd be there. now... on with my show my show my play... beachfront 6.11.01 God and words, saltines and bone fragments... bruised and stripped naked by the beechcomber love... who has left me this time, who has broken the splintered casket that i've superglued too many times... bury the sun bury the ghost i am not who you think i am... i open my eyes to recieve anything and open my mouth to pull you in. . . and the water is up to my waist now... i'm waste now. . . i'm gone... you have yet to find the way to put me back, and i have yet to make you want to. undisclosed 6.11.01 a little slip something not meant to be said we can't plan what comes flowing out like rain... like beath... and like love... feeling skin so soft on the outside daggers within... and i open my soul fill me with your heart and you pull back ashamed awakened shocked by your illusion never believing that your moment of weakness could have been the best of your life... love, make yourself easy to fall succumb to the boundlessness that nothing can hide... bedsheets biology magnified light... nothing ever felt right... til i felt you breaking left trembling with hope only to find i'm the fool again... accident 6.11.01 its never meant to happen this way playing with fire and killing our chances where have we been so long? why have we not learned i guess i'll never... praying and shattering: ways to stay safe. it was never meant to fall this way never meant to hurt you with all the love inside never meant to scare you away to fill you with a fear to make you hate me of the intense of the truth... too late to stop too hard to fall if it could be avoided... it would have been outrun... it was never meant to be this way. its too late to take it back to late to pretend i don't care... Grip 6.10.01 the rising and falling, purple and threatening... unpredictable like the eyes. nothing is ready now, there is no way to escape the things hidden away... stored for a rainy day, that never came for one... and settled deep in the other... a storm to keep him hurting, a bolt of lightning through the darkened split. . . just sip it through your nose, balance your senses and reposition for the next way of failing. Its so blatant now, no more of the lick-to-lie manhunt. . . theres nothing left to find. . . but a rainstorm that passed over one. . . and lies deep in those forgotten eyes... .jpg 5.23.01 can you sleep at night? does thes break you apart? floating up from place to place shining like something that no one should have seen... shallow lick shimmer step she ties you down no (e)motion required no rebellion in your soul no fight. wishing she'd take flight screaming loud she took you down to the fire place and whispered "please, be my friend." used up slurped eyes on a swim underwater and flying. the want. the blessing. the ache the cavity the girl... dyingbeast 5.19.01 a new brawl like a cloak its fear i don't want to lose this i think i could be real gray area gray sky who wants me now? who wants to hold me? how can i trust this sky... dare i not fear its you i thive on you have yet to make me weak i'm not alive yet not ready for your love even from far away i'm weak but inside i'm still hard...